Family and Lifestyle

My Husband’s Confession

If you follow me on Instagram you may remember a post in honour of my 1st anniversary and the caption mentioning something about this year being not that great and very humbling. Well I’m going to get into it because of late my husband made a confession and I must say it was somewhat healing.

When I arrived home from our honeymoon I spent about £40 on pregnancy tests, testing myself every other day because I don’t think broody was even the word. I wanted Shiloh so bad I just wanted to know if I secured my mission lol. Anyhow about a week after being home I finally secured those blessed lines on the pregnancy test. Ah God it felt like all my blessings were rolling in one after the other. I was so extremely happy what could go wrong? Mm quite a lot as it goes.

So let me set the scene a bit so you can roll with me. It was December 2015, I started a new job and my husband was looking for a new job that paid more money and wasn’t shift work. Within a few weeks of my little bubba taking residence in my body she started to suck all that was good from me for her and I became very ill with something called Hyperemesis. This meant I was forever nauseous, extremely weak, lots of trips to A&E, drips and pills, bed sores and becoming anaemic. Needless to say I had to stop going to work but I did receive sick pay for a while.

Now my husband got a new job relatively quick, let’s say we are in January now. So he quit his current Job and began training for his now job. Unfortunately it didn’t work out for reasons I won’t go into but it threw us in to troubled waters.  My husband is now jobless and I am sick, pregnant and on benefits. (Get your violin’s out because to tone is about to get deeper). Let me just be frank with you – the man I married disappeared. We argued like mad and when we didnt argue it was because we barely spoke. He was mean and offish with me. It made me feel sad and alone. There would be some things he’d do that would make me question our whole relationship. Everything concerning us just became so hard and I think me being sick and pregnant just intensified the whole thing.

We were newlyweds so I didn’t feel like could talk to my friends about it because I didn’t want them to influence my thoughts or think negatively toward my husband. I did end up speaking to a friend for the sake of sanity but the upside was that she knew us both separately so I felt less like I was bringing someone automatically on my side into my marriage.

It was a difficult season and my Lord we were so strapped for cash, thinking on it now I have to praise the Lord God Almighty because I don’t know how we could even afford life.  So three months on I’m still very ill and my husband is still jobless and we are still very broke and NO ONE outside our household knew the realness of it. The friendship part of our relationship was still on shaky ground but good news was coming because I was nearing the stage where could apply for maternity allowance and so that would be some relief and we could start planning for the new baby. This didn’t change the mood in our home though. I had said this to my husband before and I felt the need to say again ‘babe when you are down and out I’ve got you’ I went on to say that this is what partnership, marriage and team work is about. I wanted to reassure him but it made no odds.

We are now in April; he comes home, greets me in the kitchen and says ‘I’ve got the job you know’. We had been fighting that day so pride didn’t allow me to react the way I ought to but in my mind I was like THANK YOU JESUS. All of a sudden it felt like i had been holding my breath and I could breathe again, really and truly I could have cried! But my response was ‘oh really, that’s good. What job is it?’

Anyway as time went by things started to improve in our relationship as well as financially obviously, He started to buy me gifts for no reason and just generally became sweeter and more caring regarding my awful pregnancy, it kinda felt like he picked up my heart from wherever he left it and started to affirm it. The highlight of that year was when he booked a surprise trip to Greece for our anniversary {it was amazing!).

Fast ward to the confession… its 2017 now and we are just chilling and chatting and I just asked but not in these exact words, ‘why was you so mean to me that time’ and he said….

I wasn’t trying to be mean and for the most part I didn’t even realise I was but my mind was elsewhere. I wasn’t happy and I knew you didn’t understand why. I didn’t want to come home and talk about it because I knew what you’d say and it’s not what I wanted to hear… You’d say you’ve got us! I knew your heart in saying that but as a woman you will never understand how hard it is on a man that feels he can’t provide for his family. I didn’t want to take from you I wanted to give to you. I didn’t want to see you budget I wanted to see you spend. I didn’t want to fight you I wanted you to be proud of me. I really think women just don’t understand and in that moment in time all I could think was if I get my money right everything would be ok. My mind would be free to focus on what you wanted me to focus on but not before the burden on my mind was lifted. I think it’s crazy to think you thought I didn’t love you or care about your feelings and I’m sorry that’s how you felt. I didn’t know you were as sad as you say you were but hopefully now you understand.

When my husband told me these things it made me think that I was so involved in my feelings that I didn’t realise how upset he was, just because he didnt display his feelings the same way. It was a sobering conversation because I never knew how upsetting it could be for a man to not be able to provide for himself and his family particularly when in marriage. I thought it was just a given to turn to your spouse when you are having issues, But actually it’s not so black and white. So it comes down to this for me guys….

1) don’t get caught up in your feelings as hard as it may be and focus on that selfless loving that doesn’t ask for returns

2) Understand that men don’t always want to talk about it and if you really do really want to talk pray about it

3) Defo keep friends and family out because strenuous times don’t need exacerbating (side note – if you really do need advice I would say go to an older wiser married couple for it, I didn’t have that option and I wish I did but again I decided to pray instead )

4) consider it may not be personal – yes everything your spouse does affects you and both should seek to be considerate at all times but I think it just comes back to exercising that selfless love

5) Try and notice the indicators that your man may be hurting/sad or struggling. They obviously try to hide it but us women need to be wise.

But guys let’s talk again soon

Cilla  xx

 

Cilla (Author)

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