Family and Lifestyle

LIKE WHO WHAT WHAT WHAT WHERE…. ARE FRIENDS? (AFTER BABIES)

Ahh yeah! If you are a mamma or very close to someone who is a mama you know that friends seem to go MIA after you have a baby BUT, not before a barrage of promises.. sigh.

They range from I’ll always be there for you

Things will never change

I can’t wait till ‘our’ baby is born

I’ll buy this and that and so on

Before I get into the meat of this I want to say from the jump, I fully understand things/dynamics change, people get busy or busier but can we all admit that sometimes the reason friends drift or straight up leave is because they can’t be bothered or don’t want to hang with a mum.

When I got pregnant with my first baby, ill be frank life really did separate the wheat from the chaff. I had a nice amount of friends in different social groups before I was pregnant and went out to a lot of social events. When I told my friends I was pregnant EVERYONE seemed super excited and promised they would be there for me and the baby. At the time that I was announcing my bundle of joy it was very clear that I was facing single motherhood, so I was very comforted by the words freely being said.

The thing is I don’t think people really knew nor know what it is they are actually promising. In all the waves of emotions and major changes taking place for the pending mother to-be, no one tells you that it isn’t just boys you should guard your heart from its ‘friends’ too. Sigh.

On Facebook there was a post basically slating non-parent friends and how awful they are to their mother friends, it was crazy! The non-parents were saying things like “did I ask you to have a baby”, “the baby isn’t my responsibility” and “mums are boring” lol. It was very harsh from both parties actually but I find it so off that the majority of the mums have the same stories and the non-parents basically all feel the same. So what is it really, why do friends part when someone has a baby?

I actually still don’t know.. I don’t have the answers. Soz. But I have my story of how drifting friends HONESTLY made me feel

It was straight up painful to see groups of your friends go out together and post pictures online knowing that they didn’t even humour you with an invite. There was often times that I cried thinking id never exclude my friends so why do it to me?. It was in these months of pregnancy and after birth I clocked that if I don’t come over, I don’t see people and if I don’t message, my phone will lay static. It broke my heart. I had way too much pride to ask “why didn’t you guys invite me out?” or to ask why they don’t visit me. Guys I was LONELY ah thinking about it it was so sad.

Thinking about it now, in any stage of life and becoming a parent is a mahoosive stage, things of course will change. This doesn’t have to be negative, some friendships get weaker to the point of ending and some get stronger to the point of knowing they will actually ride the waves of life with you to the end.

BUT to the friends that are not so close or gone I would like to say I’m sorry – for cancelling plans several times and sometimes last-minute. I didn’t mean to stop calling and seeming to not care what was going on with you anymore – I was probably sleeping or actively keeping a baby alive. I didn’t mean to hold it all in and let pride get the best of me, just know that learning how to be a mum and a confident one at that is incredibly hard. So even though I don’t know why exactly friends leave after a baby, may I suggest that both parties be open and honest and should it be the end, ok.

Shout out to my friends that have been there and are still here for me and my babies, you are my MVP’s. Change isn’t easy in any case, but it’s inevitable.

lets talk again next time,

Cilla xx

Cilla (Author)

Comments

  1. Linda

    This post was spot on and so relatable.

  2. Esther Akorede

    Didn’t realise new mothers felt this way. Defo food for thought 👏👏

  3. Megz

    Love this 💝💝

  4. Melissa Gross

    Great post Priscilla! (Just popped over from The Sheerah Network.) I do think it’s so important for both sides to be open and honest. I have lots of mama friends, however I have not been blessed with children. I’ll definitely be more aware of my interactions with new mamas after reading your post!

    A little perspective from the other side . . . mamas often have a superiority complex and think a woman without children cannot possibly understand their life. I often ask – what is it I don’t’ understand – unconditional love for someone? responsibility for someone? too little sleep? too much care-giving? depression? overwhelming feelings of not doing it right? etc

    I do think it’s so important that we support each other in every stage of life and love that you’ve opened a conversation here about something that so many new mamas go through. Most of my friends are now going through the empty nest syndrome and spend a lot of time asking what they should do with their time. I just smile and encourage them because I know they’re mourning the loss of something, but then I invite them out to lunch or to a book club meeting or ask if they want to serve on the women’s ministry team. 🙂

  5. Djena Gomes

    Wow Pri, what.a.post!!!!!!!!
    After reading this I can see that I might have failed many of my then mommy friends, just by assuming that they would be busy and not interested in going out. And maybe I called once or twice and they were busy so I took that as they would always be busy for even a phone call. If only I could go back and try again.

    I must thank my babyless friends now that my game has changed, for their continuous friendship. I think age and maturity might also play a part in it. I feel that since I had my kids at a later stage, I’m less dependent on friends and not so worried about the things that I meant much more 4-5 years ago such as going out and that. Yet I’m more appreciative of what they stand for in my life. (Don’t know if it’s making sense when you read it but it does in my head 🙈).

    Enough of my rambles, your post creates a casserole of food for thought for both parties, and I admire your freedom of expression.

    Already looking forward to the next post.

    Te quiero mucho

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